The Vicious Cycle of Trying Harder

And how burnout looks different depending on our developmental stage.

Perhaps you can relate to this.
I’m lying in bed, sleepless because I’m thinking about:

• That problem that just came up with my project, plus that difficult colleague

• The quiet pressure of all the household chores that are stacking up

• Another family health concern I need to address ASAP

So I roll over, pick up my phone, and start scrolling. At first to knock off some tasks, then to doom-scroll video shorts to take my brain somewhere less exhausting.

Then I wake up and try harder. Take on more. Stay at the office later.

That was my life, and sadly the life of many of my friends, colleagues and clients.

Nobody seems to like it. Most of us disapprove of it.

Yet we still do it… why?

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Why We Keep Doubling Down

We live in cultures that reward busyness, productivity, and sacrifice. “Trying harder” feels like the right answer, because for much of our lives, that was rewarded.

At school: work harder, get the grade.
At work: put in the hours, get promoted.
At home: sacrifice yourself, be a good parent/partner.

And for a while, that works, but if you’re reading this, you probably know it can’t last.

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The ‘Why’ Behind Burnout is Different for Each of Us

Burnout can happen to anyone, at any stage of life or development. It’s not about where we are, but why we drive ourselves to the edge.

• For some of us, we can’t bear to disappoint others, so we say yes, accommodate, and overextend.

• For others, we hold ourselves to unsustainably high standards, convinced that to ease up is to betray our values or show weakness.

And most of us are a mix of these.

Based on constructive developmental theory, the reason why we burnout might be different depending on where we are in our developmental journey. At one stage, we’re deeply shaped by others’ approval. At another, by our own internal belief system. Both are powerful, and both can quietly lead us toward burnout if left unchecked.

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When Trying Harder Becomes the Trap

Trying harder works…until the systems in which we operate, or the ‘rules’ that got us here, stop working.

For one person, the rule might be: If my peers approve of me, I’ll be okay.
For another, it could be: If I stay in control and stay true to my principles, I’ll be okay.

But when the world throws us into situations where there’s simply too much to do, or where our own demands conflict with each other, those rules stop working.

But if we don’t have any other systems to live by, we go back to what we’ve always done- try harder.

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Signs You Might Be in the Cycle

You may recognize yourself in some of these patterns:

When shaped by others’ expectations:

• Feeling guilty when resting.

• Struggling to say no, even to unreasonable demands.

• Measuring your worth by how happy others are with you.

• Constantly trying to keep the peace.

When shaped by your own standards:

• Holding yourself to rigid, uncompromising expectations.

• Believing you must always be responsible for everything.

• Taking on too much because “no one else will do it right.”

• Sacrificing rest because productivity feels like integrity.

Different stories. But the same cycle: trying harder and harder, until you’re empty.

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Breaking the Cycle (with Small Steps)

The way out is not more willpower. It’s not another late night or YouTube productivity hacks. The shift is about experimenting with a new system through which to operate.

• Pause before responding. Ask yourself: Am I doing this to avoid letting others down? Or because I can’t allow myself to fall short?

• Redefine responsibility. Do I have to sacrifice more with each new responsibility? Or is there a way I can build more sustainability for myself and others?

• Experiment with limits. Say no to one small thing. Or allow yourself to deliver at 90% instead of 110%. Watch what happens.

• Treat rest as integrity. Not indulgence. Not laziness. But the fuel that allows you to live your values and care for others over the long haul.

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Burnout Can be a Symptom of Transformation

Burnout doesn’t mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Often it means that you are starting to outgrow the old rules you were living by.

Trying harder got you here. But it may not take you further.

Sometimes, the bravest move isn’t pushing through.
It’s asking whether the way you’ve been living is still serving the life you want to live.

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This is But a Lens

I want to emphasize that adult developmental theory doesn’t explain everything. It’s just one lens through which we can look at things. Sometimes burnout is simply a result of the need to survive. In circumstances where our future, our jobs, or even our next meal is not a guarantee, we simply need to survive- and sometimes we have no other choice than to take on more work. I want to acknowledge that this is a reality, and one in which a ‘theory’ or ‘idea’ isn’t going to feel helpful at all.

But for those of you who, despite these circumstances, feel like the assumptions, behaviors and mindsets you’ve used until now, don’t seem to be working quite as well as they used to…I will continue to write these articles in the hope they provide insights on how to rethink the way we operate- in order to live more peacefully, sustainably and purposefully.

In future articles, we’ll explore in more depth how we can ‘break the cycle’ of overworking ourselves into meaninglessness.

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In the near future, I will be offering an adult development assessment- a research backed method delivered by a trained and certified coach to assess where you are in your development journey. Stay tuned if interested.

You can also follow me on any of these platforms for daily reflections.
X: @TKRok9
Instagram: @the_development_journal
Threads: @the_development_journal

Until next time.